Ageing? Laugh at it before you cry!


How are you making out, you folks suffering the pleasures of our golden years? Are you over the trauma of ill-fitting dentures, losing your hair stylist, or that liver scare, and the return of cataracts? Hang in there, dear readers! Heart surgery will be over in a breeze, hurricane-style, and then it may be a left hip, your shoulder – don’t forget our inevitable dance with arthritis!

I can’t promote this yet, but we all could head toChina, lickity-split, and return in the body of a monkey, young and healthy!  Reports are that Chinese scientists have cloned a rhesus monkey for the first time. Is cloning’s what we need, minus the monkeys?

Or maybe a million clones who can survive on polluted air and water? No mouths – their precaution against political dissent or the grumblings old age brings on? No voice boxes for complaining, water intake tubes only? Permanent smiles, pleasant dispositions? Maybe better the cloned monkeys – electric-powered, with cordless connectivity. 7G is the newest.

And, if we act quickly, Pontiac could become agents for all of Canada. There’s an idea for Pontiac’s rebirth. Let’s call the MRC! And run one, or all, for political office. Fill Parliament from top to bottom. Would anyone notice? Cloned monkeys don’t have a best-before, like Prime Ministers, so we’re told, and there’d always be a fresh one programmed to say more of the same.

Crazy enough, folks? Unplug them at night, into sleep mode while recharging. All for six easy payments of $29.95 from each of us. Plus shipping, and with Canada Post’s new rules that’d be more than twice their value.

Everything’s eco, sothey’d be compostable, in our new old age! If we ordered three – for the price of one! – we’d cover the elderly’s bases with all parties! But, dear readers, beware of knockoffs. Unless we could order knockoffs wearing designer knockoffs and talking knockoff political bling! A new way to Unite the Right, one always carping about the government, no matter what!

Dear readers, that’s enough. We have to keep up our eating; that formula for the aged tastes awful, but we’re never hungry anymore! Should we recommend this for the North – the thought of food would no longer occur! Hang in there, seniors! I am. Only fourteen more radiation treatments to go. Then a few weeks feeling dodgy. We can hope for new teeth – diamond inserts, all on our Canada Pension. They’d flash like the sun when we smile. Is this the way to qualify for a Quebec seniors’ residence, sprinklers optional?